My mother died a little bit before I left. I don't know how she would have reacted, but I want to believe that if she had still been here, she wouldn't have rejected me, I want to think that if she had been there, things would have turned out differently.
...
My last prayer was something like: 'Is there someone out there who still gives a damn about us? If you exist, please help me. Please help me to be safe and make a decent life, one that actually helps people.'Maybe someone heard me, I seem to be moving in that direction.
I'm not religious or believe in 'ghosts', but I have to say that after the death of each of my grandparents I felt some kind of internal spiritual awakening. Particularly after the death of one grandmother it was as if a voice was telling me, "You're being deceived. Get out and live a better life." That began my exit from bethel, and eventually from JWland altogether. Maybe it was just my cognitive dissonance speaking louder than usual. Or maybe the dearly departed are permitted one phone call and my grandmother gave me her one call.
Although I'm an atheist and would tend to point and laugh at my suggestion that your mother gave you a wake-up call from "the other side", I also inherited a tendency toward superstition.
And my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mother.
